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Monday, May 01, 2006

The Emperor's Suit

There is the small matter of the White House Press Corps's annual dinner this past weekend. I had heard Stephen Colbert, my favorite Faux (not Fox) conservative was supposed to host it, but saw nothing about it on the news Sunday, only some Bush impersonator performing with Bush as the "other" Bush Twins. The skit got a lot of laughs from the audience, insiders lapdogs all.

Well, almost all. There is Helen Thomas.

Then Colbert stood up to talk. And did he. He spoke truth to power like no one has spoken to Bush in, maybe.....ever. And all while pretending to praise him, to agree with him. It was an unpleasant set of truths, as one could tell from the unpleased looks on the faces of their royal highnesses.
Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House correspondents' dinner. To actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. The one guy who could have helped.

By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail....

.... I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

....Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

....I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.

Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite-powered car!

And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman.....

The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.
He skewered the press as well:
As excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side.

But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.
And then to finish it off, he expressed chagrin at not being chosen to be the new press secretary. he had even made an audition tape--one that really has to be seen to be believed. It shows him being chased cross country by Helen Thomas (who is a very good sport) asking one simple question: "Why did we go to war with Iraq?"

There was a huge chorus of pundits who, the following day, berated Colbert for showing disrespect to the president. Oddly enough, not a one of these same fine gentlemen all concerned with the delicate sensibilities of the holder of the highest office in the land seemed even a bit peeved when, a few years back, Don Imus had a lot of very crude things to say at the same event about Bill Clinton and Monica. Now, that was funny.

So, it's not OK to have consensual sex with an intern, but totally respectable and acceptable to rape the country, the constitution, the rule of law, and anything else that stands in the way of world domination and the profits of Halliburton and the Carlyle Group.

IOKIYAR. Same old same old.

Salon has the whole show, in two segments, up for viewing. You can watch them here:
Part 1
Part 2
Enjoy. (You may have to watch an ad to get into the Premium section, but it's worth it.) And then have a good cry as you realize what this country has come to.

Stephen Colbert. True American Patriot.


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